September 2017

The morn's mist circumferences the world to a few meters. I am the center of its ghostly perimeter. Its heavy dew revealing a thousand miniature webbed hammocks among the evergreens. Slugs emerge under this blanket of humidity, elongating their eye-stalks to peer about, two join forming an amber circlet set with a large pearl. Others gathering around a burst comrade like the corvid ministers that attend the mammalian dead. From the unseen lake the geese flap their wings in splashing flutters and squawk out morning greetings.  I spot a deer before it sees me, I retreat to a vantage point and watch. Its thin, rich beige legs remind me of Hershey.

In evening the full moon climbs slowly out of the clouds. Gazing toward it, a huge oak leak gusts out of the top a tree, then changes into a failing bat unable to flap its' wing, then finally resolves into a flying squirrel. Soon after a vole comes barreling down the driveway toward me, hits my foot and dives back into the undergrowth. A flicker's laughter erupts.  I look back toward the Moon. The fear of another dead summer and looming school year, make it shine brighter. Fear forces you to flail about looking for support, nature is always waiting to bear you.

The pathos of existence is glimpsed. The unadorned reality behind the petty tirades and anxieties that compose every mind. It is experienced as a melancholy leavened by humorous absurdity. It is where Mercy comes from. Beside it I can see the shadowlands my life transpires in. I long to speak to my mother, to tell her all the crazy adventures of my youth like I assumed I'd be able to do when I was older. How much of core orientations and inner voices is formed by our parents verges on the edge of my consciousness.  I miss my family, yet in missing them I feel re-connected. Poor humans wandering in such delusion.

A few more ghosts wander by. What things we re-discover around us as we flail in fear.

Do you ever talk to the dead? They aren't too talkative but are surprisingly compassionate, everything stripped away except a bond of friendship or love. No shattering revelations just the core truths quietly told, but these can be revelations too. Maybe I'm just lucky that the ghosts around me are really cool. I hope that I'm that sort of ghost.

Every autumn night is Halloween. Every night is a chance to reflect on what is invisible beneath the restless energy of the Sun. No need to wait for anniversaries or perfect offerings. I miss you all so much.

I want to speak words of Mercy when I go to teach again. This isn't idealism but hard-learnt pragmatism - they are the only words I can speak and not regret later. So I have to come here. To remember those emotions beyond the jerkiness of modern life, beyond the jerkiness of our own minds, but also beyond simply sentimentality or nostalgia.

A moment of honest sorrow that seeks no solution. A moment in between the gates of life and death that seeks no escape. That's where they will talk.

Hershey always looked like a cross between a deer and a mouse. I can still clearly remember her looks, how she felt, the kisses she gave, and her personality. I do miss Hershey a lot and think of her often. Princess Turkey Sausage.

It isn't too often I talk about mom. I do occasionally to Linda as she never met her. Just so she has some idea of who she was. It is even less often that I talk to mom but I do think of her often and I always miss her. I am not sure why I don't really talk to the dead but I always kind of know what they would say.

Last night we took Cricket into the vet because I noticed blood in her stool last week. Unfortunately she has a fairly large inoperable tumor and the vet gave a pessimistic diagnosis.

Cricket is in good spirits and still her happy self. There is another appointment next week to see what effects a dose of antibiotics will have.

I'm sorry to have to pass on this news but this thread seemed a proper place.

This is devestating news. I'll try calling again soon.

Cricket goes back to tomorrow (Wed) to see how the tumour has reacted to anti-biotics. So we'll know more then. Currently she is in a very good spirits.